Spring Blossom, Autumn Sorrows

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Frustrations...
Frustrated with...
Life
Studies
Myself
Him
Everything

All these frustrations bottled up inside for so long.
Want to scream. Want to cry. Want to let them all out.
Want to just be in your arms. Want to hide and cuddle under my covers. Want to blast music.
Want to blade and ice skate non stop. Want to feel the wind in my hair. Want to blade real fast with the wind in my face.
Want to drink milkshake to cool the heat in me.
Want to be left alone. Want to be around people.
Want the silence. Want the noise to distract.
Want to love my life and stop being frustrated when i could actually change the situation.

Today we went blading.Fun.enjoyable.sunburnt.Laughters.hysterical.silence.speed.friends.
Didnt want to talk. Didnt want to interact much. Didnt want to smile.
Want the silence. Want the breeze. Want the speed. Want the adrenaline rush. Want to laugh. Want to smile. Want to be happy. Want to bring happiness to others.

Contradictions...
Happy on the outside. Unhappy on the inside.
Unhappy on the outside. Happy on the inside.
Love. Tired of loving.
Loved. Dont feel it.
Silence. Noise needed.
Alone. Presence needed.
Want to hide. Want to be out in the open.

The pain has always been in me. No matter how much i tried to be truely happy. It could be mask the pain for that moment.
I guess i just need you and time alone.

...driving me nuts...

she told the story ... 11:07 PM

Friday, March 24, 2006

So sick...
I can so relate myself to this song. I am sure many out there also feel the same as i do..so heres the song...
Mmmm mmm yeah
Do do do do do do do-do
Ohh Yeah
Gotta change my answering machine
Now that I'm alone
Cuz right now it says that we
Can't come to the phone
And I know it makes no sense
Cuz you walked out the door
But it's the only way I hear your voice anymore(it's ridiculous)
It's been months
And for some reason I just(can't get over us)
And I'm stronger than this(enough is enough)
No more walkin round
With my head down
I'm so over being blue
Cryin over you
And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing you were still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?
Gotta fix that calender I have
That's marked July 15th
Because since there's no more you
There's no more anniversary
I'm so fed up with my thoughts of you
And your memory
And how every song reminds me
Of what used to be
That's the reason I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?(Leave me alone)
Leave me alone(Stupid love songs)
Dont make me think about her smile
Or having my first child
I'm letting go
Turning off the radio
Cuz I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Said I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishing she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
So why can't I turn off the radio?(why can't I turn off the radio?)
And I'm so sick of love songs
So tired of tears
So done with wishin she was still here
Said I'm so sick of love songs so sad and slow
Why can't I turn off the radio?(why can't I turn off the radio?)
Why can't I turn off the radio?

*Turns the music louder* Why cant i turn off the radio despite being so tired of love songs? Because it provides a reminder of you to me. So tired of tears, yea, done with crying. Cried my eyes out. Cried my heart out till there isnt anymore tears left.
And therefore i conclude here that....
Life goes on! with or without you. Pain in the heart? Mind over heart.
Difficult? its only until december 2006. And i will do it! = )

... but still gonna love you with all my heart = P

she told the story ... 9:00 PM

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday To You.
Happy Birthday To You.
Happy Birthday To ______.
Happy Birthday To You!
I Miss you sooo much!!
I Love you sooo much too!! = )

To You, With Love and Hugs.

she told the story ... 10:24 PM

These Days...
Its a storm in my heart.
Some days sunny with slight drizzle.The rain hasnt stop for more than a year. Its been so long that an in-built brolly is created, providing temporary immunity to it. The brolly shield most rain, block excess bright rays. But its beginning to fall apart. Should i rebuild a new one? A bigger one to block off more? Or a smaller one to slowly reduce the numbness from immunity? Is it better to remove this immunity and let things come into my heart the way it is? If its too intense, what would protect me? who will do so? If im in a state of shock and confusion, will you be the guiding hand to bring me through the internal riot?

I tell others "cheer up"
I tell others "Look on the bright side of life"
I tell others "Everything will turn out fine in the end"
But can i tell myeslf those?
I am truely exhausted.
I need...
A rest.
A shoulder to lean on.
A listening ear.
Your silence.
Your words.
Your presence.
Your warmth.
Your smile.
Simply You. *sighs*

... it always about you.

she told the story ... 9:52 PM

Back from...
Haha...im back. In a mess ? yeap, but with friends by my side. How back can it be? = )
back by demand? haha..maybe since i was asked to update my bloggy..here goes...
Its been almost a month that i wrote in here.
A month of many events, ups and downs...i have plenty of both..so who am i to complain?
But it was an assumption that no one would be reading what i wrote...couldnt really think of much reasons for them to read...Anyways..lets begin the bloggin proper =P
Its been a tramatic year. Very very very very very tramatic..haha..serious..never..NEVER in my life have i gotten 4 straight Fs for my studies..im like "Woah!! IM sooooo SCREWed!" and then it was " What wrong with me?!". so its been like this since the start of 2006..
Maybe i started the year with the wrong footing? Dunch know...
Jas said i haven't been myself since this year. I realised that too but dont really know whats the change..Will someone out there please tell me?
I have been told my attitude sucks...
I have been told that people are spreading rumors of my past...
My reaction? hmmm...i never did think my attitude was perfect and am still working on it esp when im in a stressful state...
And hey..im soo glad that i do have friends out there who actually know me so well that they could go around telling others about my past..thanks for doing a verbal biography of me and for letting others know so much about me. it seems they know my past better than i do because the past seems to be a blurred memory of mine..thanks guys and girls.
But guys, im sure there is better stuff to talk about than about me? haha..never did knew i was an interesting topic..and frankly..i dont enjoy being talked about behind my back..so thank you for doing so.
I figured i have spread myself out too thinly. Until the spread is too weak to support much pressure and its beginnning to show its cracks and flaws. Sorry guys. Gotten myself too involved in animal welfare such that i sorta neglected many areas of my life. It came all too sudden..the cip involvement both within and outside school.. the bad grades...the migraines..
Action and reaction? yeap..it followed by meet-the-tutor sessions. Many said i seem distracted and bothered by many stuffs, looked exhausted and sick. Thanks ms wang for your concern = ) im fine..
Every chemistry work returned back would have rahman's "love letter" to me..Hurtful but awakening..He suggested i took cip and other activities as my 5th A lvl sub. sacastic? maybe..but concerned as since J1..from a A scorer..i dropped to a AO flunker. even when its my fav chapts of organic chem..Boy am i screwing up my life.
This march hols was both fulfilling and regretful. Fulfilling as i managed to study whole days, outside with friends. regretful? it was at a slower pace as nothing seem to goes in..and i was getting more and more stressed..The limit came this wk. the block test week. Mind went into a blank state.cloudy.blur.painful.confusing.
Despite these i managed to complete the notes for bio chem and maths..haha..regretfully not phy..serious! the paper was truely manageable except no phy formulas was in my head.haha! crapped my through all the papers..really feel such a disappointment to everyone.my parents, my teachers and ultimately myself. i have let myself down for so long.
And its time i buck up = )
My life is so boring these days..Studies..Friends..love..tests..results..tutorials..blah blah..haha..not that those were boring..those aint boring at all..constantly full of surprises and fun fun! but i just seem to be bloggin about these nonstop..haha..so here's the loving part..wahaha..stop reading to retain your sanity.view with discretion and pinkie swear that you wouldnt talk about it to anyone..and i mean ANYONE except me! hehe...lets begin shall we?
What happen was great.
It was the best surprise of the year. It was the answer my heart wanted.But i wasnt prepared.I truely wasnt.Aint prepared for the news, wasnt sure if i could come to terms with and whether i could believe your words.
Your words signify the end to a game. A guessing game that things wouldnt be what i wish for it to be. An assumption game that everything has ended and life have moved on.
But it also begin a new game, same method of playing.Here are the steps to play the game. And its rules.
Rules:
1) Follow the steps below with no regrets
2) Never look back and regret
3) Follow your mind not your heart.Never your heart.

Steps:
1) Guess and assume things such that it leaves no room for further hurts
2) Do it using your mind to decide what is best for you and your future.
3) Using you heart might hurt yourself in the end.

Sounds simple? simple to say..kinda difficult and confusing to implement it.
It is the wrong time to know, we both agree that it wouldnt be right to do anything now. But you came and go like *snap fingers* so easy. Blah it out and later said it was the wrong time. Woah! haha.what should i know and what not? Ben said it was due to holding it too long till gonna explode then blaaahhhhhh..everything out before the mind could control the heart..lol.see its gotta be mind over the heart.hehe..
Was listening to Westlife- Amazing. And it made me realised how strange and amazing life can be. Amazingly i could use mind over heart for heart matters. But i couldnt use heart over mind for studies. I want to study but the mind forbids. I want to feel happy inside but the mind forbids.haha..naughty mind of mine..aint listening to the owner.
------------
I feel motivated but despair.
I dont feel tired but feeling exhausted.
I am aware of it but confused about it.
I love the silence but want to talk about it.
I am loved but dont feel it.
Wait till the end of 2006.
What will happen then?
Will you be the same? Will I be the same?
Will everything continue on the way it left?
There is no definite answer and things will never be the same.
------------
Pain still reside in me despite the answer.
But the mist in my heart has slowly cleared.
Everything is clear now, where my heart and mind should be.
Thank you for being there, by my side when i needed someone.

she told the story ... 6:50 PM